Log #007: Midnight Melancholy – a glimpse into what I hope isn’t depression

Have you ever found something in your life that makes you realize something about yourself that you might not have been prepared for? It was a sinking feeling that I had when I was brought to the coast at night to see a view of the city I have lived in for almost all my life when I thought – I am a sad and miserable person. And it’s not because of a twisted form of self-pity, the feeling exists, you recognize it but at that point you’re not willing to accept it.

The view I was talking about? It was breathtaking. Imagine a dark canvass made out of the ocean and the shore where you’re unsure where the line dividing both entities is. It had just rained so there was a misty quality to it, and the only thing that provided a light source was the scattered bits of light in excess on the right where the city was, and to the left where the less busy part of the city lay, and the last one was a tiny source light in the middle of the vast body of water. And the rare occasion of a bolt of lightning that served as a warning that rain will come soon.

The city lights remind me of the loud ones, the people who thrive on attention or just get a lot of notice from the people around them. They’re not all extroverts but they just have something you can’t explain that make them so alive. It was a kind of symbolism for me as I saw it as a driving force that keeps me alive and capable of surviving today.

The endlights – as I like to call the scattered remnants of what I thought were the city limits, reminded me of the people in my closer circles, quiet but lively and a comfort zone. A portrait of a person who enjoys more intimate company with a select few and a handful of hobbies and mutual interests.

I looked at both sides of the city as a way to see the person I was now as I thought I may be perceived by others. And then unbeknownst to both sides there was this tiny light along in the middle of the ocean. I was told by the friend who took me there that very often that little light is from a fisherman who persistently tries to add more to the little catch he might’ve had that day – a near-impossible search conducted untimely at the threat of the coming storm. The secret side of me that is constant disarray, searching for something lost, desperate to find answers, solutions and remedies to aches I have no cure for.

Trust. I hardly trust the people around me, I hardly trust the people I surround myself with. It is a truth I have yet to come to terms with, it is a fact that I am not sure if I am willing to accept. As much as I want to I can’t but even if I did, I may feel like I have given you a live bomb where you so much as twitch it would explode. It is a dark truth and I want to be rid of it but I can’t. I need time to heal from the wounds you cannot see, and I am deeply sorry if this frustrates you but I want you know that I am trying. I am afraid of getting hurt, but it’s unfair to you I know. It’s selfish but I need time to heal. In time, I will trust again. I will learn to trust wholly again and by then the hurt will stop. The loneliness will fade and I will not be afraid if being alone with my thoughts.

Wait for me, for I have faith that I will heal.

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